Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Moving Forward

I have had a couple of days to really think about everything that has happened since I first posted that picture to Facebook on March 28. The past few weeks have had many ups and downs. I have met some pretty awesome people and one not so awesome person. The response has been more than I ever expected. I have seriously thought about deleting the picture and stopping the search all together.
The first few days after i posted that picture to Facebook were amazing. I had many people messaging me with encouraging words and prayers. I have had a couple of people do small things that have helped me in huge ways. I never imagined that I would have so many supporting me in this.
After a couple of good leads I thought I may have found some sisters from my fathers side. We were ready to get a DNA test. I was so excited.
Then I got the message that someone thought they knew who my biological mom was. This person filled me in on what she knew. I followed through with the lead. I contacted who I thought could be my biological mother. She denied it at first, but then told me that she was my biological mom. She told me that she put me in that phone booth. She kept changing the story of who my biological father was. Finally she told me that she was raped by her father and that I was conceived from that. It never really made since to me, because she told me that he started selling her for sex when she was 9 years old. So to me that meant that my father could have been anyone, but she said she was sure that it was her dad. She told me over and over how bad things were for her when she was pregnant with me. She told me she was alone and scared when she had me. She said she took me to the phone booth to protect me from her dad. She said she was afraid what he would do to me. She made me believe that she saved my life.  I was very thankful.
It was extremely hard for me to deal with everything she told me. Going into this search I was eager to find out the circumstances behind my abandonment. I am not so eager now. I knew the circumstances were probably not good, but i never could have imagined the things she told me It was so hard to accept that I came from such horrible people and circumstances.
My husband convinced me to wait until I got the DNA test back before I accept what she said about who my father was. so after a long 24 hours I decided to put all that to the side and take one step at a time. I decided to first confirm that she was truly who she claimed to be.
Words can not express what I felt. I told my husband that  I wished that I had never searched. I wanted to unknown what I knew. I thought not knowing is better than knowing this. It was a really hard time for me. I am so thankful to my husband for being my rock in this time.
I visited with my alleged biological mom for about a week. Everything was going good. She rescheduled her first DNA test, but went to the 2nd appointment. Even though I always had a little doubt that she was who she claimed to be, once she took the DNA test I figured she must be telling the truth. I man who would go through all that knowing the test would be negative.
The next morning after he took the test she asked me who told her that she was my biological mother. When I told her the persons name she got really upset. Then she told me the test would come back negative. I asked for an explanation but she never gave me one.
We didn't talk after that, then 4 long days later I got the results from my test. She was right, we are not a match. I wasn't surprised. I was relived. All the things that had been tearing me up inside weren't even true. I was so thankful.  I sent her a message that said "I got the test results today. I don't know why you lied to me but at least now I know the truth." Then I blocked her.
I have no idea why she lied to me. I have no clue why she would tell me the things she did. After I last blogged I got several messages from people who were angry for what she did. I guess I should be angry. But I am not. I am to thankful. I think I am still in shock. The bible says to pray for those who despitefully use you. So that is what I have been doing.
I have to admit I am super nervous about going on with this search. I have wanted this for so long. But after everything this woman told me I don't know if I really do want to know the truth or not. I always figured it wasn't the best circumstances , but I never realized how bad it could be. I wonder if not knowing is better than knowing.
I told my oldest daughter that I didn't know if I wanted to search anymore. She told me " Well since you've looked for her you have found out how many people are in the same position as you and how many people can relate to your story." She is so right.  No matter what I decide this journey has already taught me so much.
My prayer is that IF God wants me to find my biological family I will. If He doesn't I will accept that He is protecting me and his plan is always greater than mine. I will not let fear stop me. God did not give me a spirit of fear but of Power, Love and a Sound Mind. I am going to use that sound mind to guide me in my next steps.
What is the next step? I am going to ask that everyone keep sharing my story. I am expecting a phone call from a Tulsa County deputy that is trying to see if I can get a copy of the original Police report. I am still awaiting the DNA results from ancestry. The sisters mentioned above have done a DNA test through ancestry to see if we match. I will follow all leads. I am going to put this woman and her lies behind me. Most importantly I am just putting it all in God's hands. I pray His will be done.
I am thankful to everyone who has shared my story and showed me their support. On this crazy roller coaster ride your encouragement has kept me going.
I posted this on my personal instagram last night.
The poem under the picture really expresses how I feel right now. No matter where this journey leads me life will go on. One thing I know for sure I will never be the same as I was before I started this journey, and I don't mean that in a bad way. I will keep you posted on any knew news. Please keep sharing my story. 


  1. My prayers are with you for a successful search.

  2. I believe there is a reason for everything. Everything you've gone through up to this point and for those people....good and bad, that you have met and touched along the way. I can never pretend to understand your situation or your needs. I do know that there have been times in my life that I've had to dig down deep inside and figure out who I am. Who I am as a person and that could only come from me. I'm glad you have a "rock" beside you that's supportive and nurturing in what you seek...whatever that may be. You're in my prayers to find the answers you need and for God to give you wisdom and guidance whether or not you continue your search for now and in the future. I sincerely hope you find what you need.

  3. You are awesome...kinda like the saying goes with can't go on looking it will come when your least expecting it..hugs and I'll keep you in my prayers.